Change is difficult
I thought I would share a personal experience I had recently as an example of how difficult growth and changing our old unhealthy mindsets can be.
Last Friday, I woke up at my usual time but felt like I had been hit by a truck. It was the end of my period and I was exhausted. I just wanted to go back to bed and sleep until 11. Additionally, I was in more pain than I have ever experienced previously with cramps. I got up anyway. Groggy, irritable, I completed my usual routine and ensured all of my father’s needs were met in anticipation of going to work at 10am.
As the time to log on to work approached, my pain was still an 8 out of 10 and I wanted nothing more than to go back to bed. I knew I had enough paid time off to call out of but felt extreme guilt over the idea. Logically, I knew this was faulty thinking. I know plenty of women who rest during this time. And I have heard the pain of cramps can be equal to that of a heart attack. And yet, I was feeling SO unsure of this decision I had to ask my husband for his support. “Tell me it’s okay to call out of work for this reason.” My husband, always the supporting, loving man, told me of course and asked if I wanted him to get me anything. I knew instantly I wanted chocolate and wine but it felt selfish to ask for it; which I conveyed to him. He again expressed willingness to go and I agreed “maybe later.”
After this – I made the call. Canceled all my clients for the day and opted for self care. My body NEEDED the rest and I slept for 2 hours. I woke up without the fatigue but still in pain. I took my husband up on his offer to go to the store and spent the majority of the day resting and watching Gray’s Anatomy. In spite of my pain level being an 8 out of 10 the entire day I felt guilty. I worried about what my husband thought of me, what my dad thought of me. All of it. I had so many reasons to get up and “push through.” But I chose not to. Because the beliefs I learned in childhood – that I NEED to. Meet obligations, be responsible, and not value myself as a woman. They didn’t get to win that day. As difficult as it was, I rested. I chose my body and its needs instead of the lies I believed in the past.
Now – I know there is more work to do. Because the battle is not truly won until I can rest my body without guilt. The childhood memories that feed the unhealthy beliefs need to be addressed more fully. And I will. Because I believe – I deserve a guilt free day of rest and self care. As do you.
Why do I share this story? Because – this is all of us. In some realm of life or another. Where a small event in childhood, wrote a program for our brain that is outdated and not serving us well. Causing us pain, guilt, shame, self-hatred, and emotional upset. And I want to acknowledge how difficult change is. How painful, and uncomfortable. And how WORTH IT. Because one day? I will rest without guilt and thoroughly enjoy the fact that my husband loves me enough to go buy me wine and chocolate on those fateful days of the month, every month.